The Princess and the Dragon

Imagine the classical situation – a Princess locked in a castle, guarded by a Dragon and a Metalhead comes for the rescue. Depending on the type of Metalhead, you’d get one of the following results:

POWER METAL:

The protagonist arrives riding a winged white unicorn, escapes from the dragon, saves the princess and makes love to her in an enchanted forest.

THRASH METAL:

The protagonist arrives, fights the dragon, saves the princes and fucks her.

HEAVY METAL:

The protagonist arrives on a Harley, kills the dragon, drinks a few beers and fucks the princess.

GOTHIC METAL:

The princess in a velvet costume starts singing soprano. The protagonist completes the duet by adding the beast part, while the dragon plays the flute. Suddenly he swallows up the pipe and accidently scorches the beauty and the beast and suffocates to death. All their souls are damned in hell’s eternity.

INDUSTRIAL METAL:

The protagonist arrives wearing greasy overcoat, makes obscene gestures towards dragon, and gets escorted out of fairy tale land by security guards.

GRIND METAL:

The protagonist arrives, screams something completely undecipherable for about 2 minutes and then leaves.

BATTLE METAL:

The protagonist arrives with a legion of a hundred brave footmen, war chariots and a dozen elite warriors and, as a master tactician, flanks the dragon in a bloody siege that lasts six hours, and then makes love to the princess inside the castle.

EMO:

The protagonist sees the dragon and moans about how hard it will be to get the princess to fall in love with him. He gets eaten. The princess is very happy, because he was a whiny dork anyway.

GRUNGE:

The protagonist doesn’t get eaten by the dragon because he stinks too much from not washing his hair in months. The princess won’t go near him either, and he ends up dying on the town hall steps with the other grungers due to the over consumption of white cider.

SPEED METAL:

Suddenly there, short solo, dragon is confused, someone’s screaming weird stuff, princess realizes she’s been deflowered, dragon and princess are still looking for the one who did this.

HARD ROCK:

Reaches the castle in a red convertible with two big-breasted blondes and drinking a bottle of Jack Daniels. Kills the dragon with a knife and then makes an orgy with the blondes and the princess.

FOLK METAL:

The protagonist arrives with some friends playing acordions, violins, flutes and many more weird instruments, the dragon falls asleep (because of all the dancing). Then they all leave….without the princess.

VIKING METAL:

The protagonist arrives in a ship, kills the dragon with his mighty axe, skins the dragon and eats it, rapes the princess to death, steals her belongings and burns the castle before leaving.

DEATH METAL:

The protagonist arrives, kills the dragon, fucks the princess and kills her, then leaves.

BLACK METAL:

The protagonist arrives at midnight, kills the dragon and impales it in front of the castle. Then he sodomises the princess, drinks her blood in a ritual before killing her. Then he impales the princess next to the dragon.

GORE METAL:

The protagonist arrives, kills the dragon and spreads his guts in front of the castle, fucks the princess and kills her. Then he fucks the dead body again, slashes her belly and eats her guts. Then he fucks the carcass for the third time, burns the corpse and fucks it for the last time.

DOOM METAL:

The protagonist arrives, sees the size of the dragon and thinks he could never beat him, then he gets depressed and commits suicide. The dragon eats his body and the princess as dessert. Thats the end of the sad story.

PROGRESIVE METAL:

The protagonist arrives with a guitar and plays a solo of 26 minutes. The dragon kills himself out of boredom. The protagonist arrives to the princess bedroom, plays another solo with all the techniques and tunes he learned in the last year of the conservatory. The princess escapes looking for the “HEAVY METAL” protagonist.

GLAM METAL:

The protagonist arrives, the dragon laughs at the guys appearance and lets him enter. He steals the princess make-up and tries to paint the castle in a beautiful pink color.

NU METAL:

The protagonist arrives in a run-down Honda Civic and attempts to fight the dragon but he burns to death when his moronic baggy clothes catch fire.

NSBM:

The aryan protagonist arrives, salutes with his right hand and screams “Sieg Heil! 88!”. Then, he sends the jewish Dragon to the “Konzentrationslager” and goes searching the “Fräulein”.

PUNK:

The protagonist arrives and sees the nazi-capitalist-dragon. He calls his mohawked friends and they start a Pogo-Pit with the Dragon, while shouting things like: “Up Da Punx!” & “No Place For Fascist Dragons!”After the fight with the Dragon, they go search the Princess and ask here, if she has any money left for them because they are all poor people from the street. Then, they go to the nearest McDonalds, because “fuckin the system” is a really hard job…

CHRISTIAN METAL:

The protagonist rides in on his way home from church and sings a mushy power ballad to the dragon about how much Jesus loves him and that the dragon should turn to Him. The Dragon is immediately converted, and when the princess wants to thank the protagonist he replies, “Sorry, but I don’t believe in having sex before marriage.”