Q’s and A’s
IvanaQ:How many members of the U.S.S. Enterprise does it take to change a light bulb?
A:Seven. Scotty has to report to Captain Kirk that the light bulb in the Engineering Section is getting dim, at which point Kirk will send Bones to pronounce the bulb dead (although he’ll immediately claim that he’s a doctor, not an electrician). Scotty, after checking around, realizes that they have no more new light bulbs, and complains that he “canna” see in the dark. Kirk will make an emergency stop at the next uncharted planet, Alpha Regula IV, to procure a light bulb from the natives, who, are friendly, but seem to be hiding something. Kirk, Spock, Bones, Yeoman Rand and two red shirt security officers beam down to the planet, where the two security officers are promptly killed by the natives, and the rest of the landing party is captured. As something begins to develop between the Captain and Yeoman Rand, Scotty, back in orbit, is attacked by a Klingon destroyer and must warp out of orbit. Although badly outgunned, he cripples the Klingon and races back to the planet in order to rescue Kirk et. al. who have just saved the natives’ from an awful fate and, as a reward, been given all light bulbs they can carry. The new bulb is then inserted and the Enterprise continues on its five year mission.
Q:What’s the difference between a banjo and an onion?
A:Nobody cries when you cut up a banjo.
Q:What’s the last thing a drummer says to his band members?
A:”Hey guys I wrote a song!”
Q:What’s the difference between a trampoline and an accordion?
A:You take your shoes off before you jump on a trampoline.
Q:How can you tell when there’s a lead singer knocking at your door?
A:He doesn’t know when to come in.
Q:How many divas does it take to change a light bulb?
A:One…she holds the bulb and the world revolves around her.
Q:How many bluegrass musicians does it take to change a light bulb?
A:Four…one to do it and three to complain because it’s electric.
Q:How many sound men does it take to change a light bulb?
A:Two…two…two.
Q:Who plays with musicians?
A:Drummers.
Q:How can you tell when the stage is level?
A:The drummer drools out of both sides of his mouth at once.
Q:What is the definition of an optimist?
A:A trombone player with a beeper.
Q:The quote you will never hear.
A:There goes the trombone player in his new Porsche.
Q:A trombone player and a frog pass each other on the street. What is the difference between the two?
A:The frog is probably on his way to a gig.
Q:What’s the difference between the 1950’s and the 1980’s?
A:In the 80’s, a man walks into a drugstore and states loudly, “I’d like some condoms,” and then, leaning over the counter, whispers, “and some cigarettes.”
Q:How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?A:You won’t find a lawyer who can change a light bulb. Now, if you’re looking for a lawyer to screw a light bulb…
Q:How many system programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A:None. The application can work around it.
Q:How many software engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
A:None. We’ll document it in the manual.
Q:How many tech writers does it take to change a light bulb?
A:None. The user can figure it out.
Q:What’s the difference between a duck and an elephant?
A:You can’t get down off an elephant.
Q:How many elephants can you fit in a Mercedes?
A:Four. Two in the front, two in the back.
Q:How can you tell if an elephant is in your refrigerator?
A:There’s a footprint in the mayo.
Q:How can you tell if two elephants are in your refrigerator?
A:There’s two footprints in the mayo.
Q:How can you tell if three elephants are in your refrigerator?
A:The door won’t shut.
Q:How can you tell if four elephants are in your refrigerator?
A:There’s a Mercedes in your driveway.
Q:How many journalists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:Three. One to report it as an inspired government program to bring light to the people, one to report it as a diabolical government plot to deprive the poor of darkness, and one to win a Pulitzer prize for reporting that Electric Company hired a light bulb-assassin to break the bulb in the first place.
Q:How many Californians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:Five. One to screw in the light bulb and four to share the experience. (Actually, Californians don’t screw in light bulbs, they screw in hot tubs.)
Q:How many Oregonians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:Three. One to screw in the light bulb and two to fend off all those Californians trying to share the experience.
Q:How many hardware engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
A:None. We’ll fix it in software.
Q:How many system programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A:None. The application can work around it.
Q:How many bureaucrats does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:Two. One to assure everyone that everything possible is being done while the other screws the bulb into the water faucet.
Q:What do agnostic, insomniac dyslexics do at night?
A:Stay awake and wonder if there’s a dog.
Q:What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t come back?
A:A stick.
Q:Why did the germ cross the microscope?
A:To get to the other slide.
Q:An English mathematician was asked by his very religious colleague: Do you believe in one God?
A:Yes, up to isomorphism!
Q:How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?
A:Two, one to hold the giraffe, and the other to fill the bathtub with brightly colored machine tools.
Q:How many Zen masters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:None. The Universe spins the bulb, and the Zen master stays out of the way.
Q:How many graduate students does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:”I’m afraid we don’t know, but make my stipend tax-free, give my advisor a $30,000 grant of the taxpayer’s money, and I’m sure he can tell me how to do the gruntwork for him so he can take the credit for answering this incredibly vital question.”
Q:What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants coming over the hill?
A:”The elephants are coming over the hill.”
Q:What did he say when saw them coming over the hill wearing sunglasses?
A:Nothing, for he didn’t recognize them.
Q:How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
A:Only one, but it takes a long time, and the light bulb has to really want to change.