Fortune sigovi =)

You look like a million dollars. All green and wrinkled.

You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America’s Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn’t want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named Bush, Dick, and Colon.

Friends help you move house… real friends help you move corpses.

I am a Muslim, because it’s a religion that teaches you an eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth. It teaches you to respect everybody, and treat everybody right. But it also teaches you if someone steps on your toe, chop off their foot. And I carry my religious axe with me all the time.
— Malcolm X

When you dig another out of trouble, you’ve got a place to bury your own.

“No problem is so formidable that you can’t walk away from it.”
— C. Schulz

It has just been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

If I’m what I eat, I’m a chocolate chip cookie.

Depend on the rabbit’s foot if you will, but remember, it didn’t help the rabbit.

Blessed are they who Go Around in Circles, for they Shall be Known as Wheels.

The Metamorphosis LITE(tm)– by Franz Kafka – A man turns into a bug and his family gets annoyed.
Lord of the Rings LITE(tm)– by J.R.R. Tolkien – Some guys take a long vacation to throw a ring into a volcano.
Hamlet LITE(tm) — by Wm. Shakespeare – A college student on vacation with family problems, a screwy girl-friend and a mother who won’t act her age.

Coronation, n.:
The ceremony of investing a sovereign with the outward and visible signs of his divine right to be blown skyhigh with a dynamite bomb.
— Ambrose Bierce, “The Devil’s Dictionary”

My dear People.
My dear Bagginses and Boffins, and my dear Tooks and Brandybucks, and Grubbs, and Chubbs, and Burrowses, and Hornblowers, and Bolgers, Bracegirdles, Goodbodies, Brockhouses and Proudfoots. Also my good Sackville Bagginses that I welcome back at last to Bag End. Today is my one hundred and eleventh birthday: I am eleventy-one today!”
— J. R. R. Tolkien

Zymurgy’s Law of Volunteer Labor:
People are always available for work in the past tense.

Life is the childhood of our immortality.
— Goethe

“The human brain is like an enormous fish — it is flat and slimy and has gills through which it can see.”
— Monty Python

Nothing is as simple as it seems at first
Or as hopeless as it seems in the middle
Or as finished as it seems in the end.

Will you loan me $20.00 and only give me ten of it?
That way, you will owe me ten, and I’ll owe you ten, and we’ll be even!

To invent, you need a good imagination and a pile of junk.
— Thomas Edison

History shows that the human mind, fed by constant accessions of knowledge, periodically grows too large for its theoretical coverings, and bursts them asunder to appear in new habiliments, as the feeding and growing
grub, at intervals, casts its too narrow skin and assumes another… Truly the imago state of Man seems to be terribly distant, but every moult is a step gained.
— Charles Darwin, from “Origin of the Species”

Love cannot be much younger than the lust for murder.
— Sigmund Freud

One way to stop a runaway horse is to bet on him.

I like young girls. Their stories are shorter.

Conscious is when you are aware of something and conscience is when you wish you weren’t.

boy, n:
A noise with dirt on it.

“You stay here, Audrey — this is between me and the vegetable!”
— Seymour, from _Little Shop Of Horrors_

No prisoner’s dilemma here. Over the long term, symbiosis is more useful than parasitism. More fun, too. Ask any mitochondria.

I have never understood the female capacity to avoid a direct answer to any question.
— Spock, “This Side of Paradise”, stardate 3417.3

If time heals all wounds, how come the belly button stays the same?

In the shopping mall of the mind, he’s in the toy department.

If you think you have the solution, the question was poorly phrased.

There are four stages to a marriage. First there’s the affair, then there’s the marriage, then children and finally the fourth stage, without which you cannot know a woman, the divorce.

The surest way to corrupt a youth is to instruct him to hold in higher esteem those who think alike than those who think differently.

“Don’t fear the pen. When in doubt, draw a pretty picture.”

Immanuel doesn’t pun, he Kant.

For good, return good.
For evil, return justice.

Never trust anybody whose arm is bigger than your leg.

A Elbereth Gilthoniel,
silivren penna miriel
o menel aglar elenath!
Na chaered palan-diriel
o galadhremmin ennorath,
Fanuilos, le linnathon
nef aear, si nef aearon!
— J. R. R. Tolkien

Maturity consists in the discovery that there comes a critical moment where everything is reversed, after which the point becomes to understand more and more that there is something which cannot be understood.
— S. Kierkegaard

Misery loves company, but company does not reciprocate.

A radioactive cat has eighteen half-lives.

Success is a journey, not a destination.

Don’t tell me what you dreamed last night for I’ve been reading Freud.

It is the nature of extreme self-lovers, as they will set an house on fire,
and it were but to roast their eggs.
— Francis Bacon

What’s this script do?
unzip ; touch ; finger ; mount ; gasp ; yes ; umount ; sleep. Hint for the answer: not everything is computer-oriented. Sometimes you’re in a sleeping bag, camping out.

Women give themselves to God when the Devil wants nothing more to do with them.

Eleventh Law of Acoustics:
In a minimum-phase system there is an inextricable link between
frequency response, phase response and transient response, as they
are all merely transforms of one another. This combined with
minimalization of open-loop errors in output amplifiers and correct
compensation for non-linear passive crossover network loading can
lead to a significant decrease in system resolution lost. However,
of course, this all means jack when you listen to Pink Floyd.

The early worm gets the bird.

alimony, n:
Having an ex you can bank on.

The things that interest people most are usually none of their business.

What they said:
What they meant:
“You will be fortunate if you can get him to work for you.”
(We certainly never succeeded.)
There is no other employee with whom I can adequately compare him.
(Well, our rats aren’t really employees…)
“Success will never spoil him.”
(Well, at least not MUCH more.)
“One usually comes away from him with a good feeling.”
(And such a sigh of relief.)
“His dissertation is the sort of work you don’t expect to see these days;
in it he has definitely demonstrated his complete capabilities.”
(And his IQ, as well.)
“He should go far.”
(The farther the better.)
“He will take full advantage of his staff.”
(He even has one of them mowing his lawn after work.)

We prefer to speak evil of ourselves rather than not speak of ourselves at all.

What is comedy? Comedy is the art of making people laugh without making them puke.
— Steve Martin

Hop along my little friends, up the Withywindle!
Tom’s going on ahead candles for to kindle.
Down west sinks the Sun; soon you will be groping.
When the night-shadows fall, then the door will open,
Out of the winfow-panes light will twinkle yellow.
Fear no alder black! Heed no hoary willow!
Fear neither root nor bough! Tom goes on before you.
Hey now! merry dol! We’ll be waiting for you!
— J. R. R. Tolkien

To be or not to be.
— Shakespeare
To do is to be.
— Nietzsche
To be is to do.
— Sartre
Do be do be do.
— Sinatra