Chuck Norris, probrani

Chuck Norris’ tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried. Ever.

Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word “hunting” infers the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.

Chuck Norris has two speeds. Walk, and Kill.

Chuck Norris’ blood type is AK+. Ass-Kicking Positives!

Chuck Norris can delete the Recycle Bin.

Chuck Norris doesn’t shower, he only takes blood baths.

Chuck Norris once played Russian roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.

Chuck Norris once ate an entire bottle of sleeping pills. They made him blink.

Guns kill 12 people a day. chuck noris kills 20.

Chuck Norris does not have a religion. The gods worship Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris once ate 4 turtles whole. When he crapped them out, they all knew karate, and they are now known as The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

Outer space exists because it’s afraid to be on the same planet with Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris counted to infinity – twice.

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn’t stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can’t see Chuck Norris you may be only few seconds away from death.

Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK’s head exploded out of sheer amazement.

Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that’s why there are no signs of life there.

Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris.

To prove it isn’t that big of a deal to beat cancer, Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.

Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.

They once made a Chuck Norris toilet paper, but it wouldn’t take shit from anybody.

Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris pajamas.

Before each filming of Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris is injected with five times the lethal dose of elephant tranquilzer. This is, of course, to limit his strength and mobility, in an attempt to lower the fatality rate of the actors he fights.

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

Chuck Norris invented water.

Chuck Norris is Luke Skywalker’s real father.

Chuck Norris’ calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can’t get up the courage to tell him.

When Chuck Norris enters a room, he doesn’t turn the lights on, he turns the dark off.

The last digit of pi is Chuck Norris. He is the end of all things.

Chuck Norris once had a heart attack; his heart lost.

Chuck Norris was originally offered the role as Frodo in Lord of the Rings. He declined because, “Only a pussy would need three movies to destroy a piece of jewelry.”

The original draft of The Lord of the Rings featured Chuck Norris instead of Frodo Baggins. It was only 5 pages long, as Chuckroundhouse-kicked Sauron’s ass halfway through the first chapter.

Once a cobra bit Chuck Norris’ leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.

Scientists have estimated that the energy given off during the Big Bang is roughly equal to 1CNRhK (Chuck Norris Roundhouse Kick).

Chuck Norris wears a live rattlesnake as a condom.

When Chuck jumps in to the water, Chuck doesn’t wet, the water Chuck’s.

A Chuck Norris-delivered Roundhouse Kick is the preferred method of execution in 16 states.

Chuck Norris’ house has no doors, only walls that he walks through.

When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it won’t be because he is gay. It will be because he has run out of women.

Wilt Chamberlain claims to have slept with more than 20,000 women in his lifetime. Chuck Norris calls this “a slow Tuesday.”

Chuck Norris doesnt shave; he kicks himself in the face. The only thing that can cut Chuck Norris is Chuck Norris.

For some, the left testicle is larger than the right one. For ChuckNorris, each testicle is larger than the other one.

Chuck Norris always knows the EXACT location of Carmen SanDiego.

Chuck Norris invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.

Chuck Norris and Mr. T walked into a bar. The bar was instantly destroyed, as that level of awesome cannot be contained in one building.

If you Google search “Chuck Norris getting his ass kicked” you will generate zero results. It just doesn’t happen.

Little known medical fact: Chuck Norris invented the Caesarean section when he roundhouse-kicked his way out of his monther’s womb.

The show Survivor had the original premise of putting people on an island with Chuck Norris. There were no survivors, and nobody is brave enough to go to the island to retrieve the footage.

Chuck Norris has a deep and abiding respect for human life… unless it gets in his way.

The Bermuda Triangle used to be the Bermuda Square, until ChuckNorris Roundhouse kicked one of the corners off.

There are no weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, Chuck Norris lives in Oklahoma.

Chuck Norris can stretch diamonds back into coal.

When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn’t lifting himself up, he’s pushing the Earth down.

A high tide means Chuck Norris is flying over your coast. The tide is caused by God pissing his pants.

An anagram for Walker Texas Ranger is KARATE WRANGLER SEX. I don’t know what that is, but it sounds AWESOME.

Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks don’t really kill people. They wipe out their entire existence from the space-time continuum.

Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.

Science Fact: Roundhouse kicks are comprised primarily of an element called Chucktanium.

Chuck Norris doesn’t step on toes. Chuck Norris steps on necks.

Movie trivia: The movie “Invasion U.S.A.” is, in fact, a documentary.

There is no such thing as global warming. Chuck Norris was cold, so he turned the sun up.

A study showed the leading causes of death in the United States are: 1. Heart disease, 2. Chuck Norris, 3. Cancer.

It’s widely believed that Jesus was Chuck Norris’ stunt double for crucifixion due to the fact that it is impossible for nails to pierce Chuck Norris’ skin.

Chuck Norris did in fact, build Rome in a day.

Along with his black belt, Chuck Norris often chooses to wear brown shoes. No one has DARED call him on it. Ever.

Wo hu cang long. The translation from Mandarin Chinese reads: “Crouching Chuck, Hidden Norris”

Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

According to Einstein’s theory of relativity, Chuck Norris can actually roundhouse kick you yesterday.

In an act of great philanthropy, Chuck made a generous donation to the American Cancer Society. He donated 6,000 dead bodies for scientific research.

Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.

Fear is not the only emotion Chuck Norris can smell. He can also detect hope, as in “I hope I don’t get a roundhouse kick from ChuckNorris.”

MacGyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but ChuckNorris can roundhouse-kick his head through a wall and take it.

Behind every successful man, there is a woman. Behind every dead man, there is Chuck Norris.

The easiest way to determine Chuck Norris’ age is to cut him in half and count the rings.

The US did not boycott the 1980 Summer Olympics in Moscow due to political reasons: Chuck Norris killed the entire US team with a single round-house kick during TaeKwonDo practice.

The Bible was originally titled “Chuck Norris and Friends”

Nagasaki never had a bomb dropped on it. Chuck Norris jumped out of a plane and punched the ground.

It is scientifically impossible for Chuck Norris to have had a mortal father. The most popular theory is that he went back in time and fathered himself.

It is believed dinosaurs are extinct due to a giant meteor. That’s true if you want to call Chuck Norris a giant meteor.

Chuck Norris shot the sheriff, but he round house kicked the deputy.

That’s not Chuck Norris doing push-ups — that’s Chuck Norris moving the Earth away from the path of a deadly asteroid.

Chuck Norris can judge a book by its cover.

Nothing can escape the gravity of a black hole, except for ChuckNorris. Chuck Norris eats black holes. They taste like chicken.

Chuck Norris does not play the lottery. It doesn’t have nearly enough balls.

Q: How many Chuck Norris’ does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, Chuck Norris prefers to kill in the dark.

Chuck Norris invented the internet? Just so he had a place to store his porn.

Industrial logging isn’t the cause of deforestation. Chuck Norris needs toothpicks.

Chuck Norris smells what the Rock is cooking… because the Rock is Chuck Norris’ personal chef.

Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

“Brokeback Mountain” is not just a movie. It’s also what Chuck Norris calls the pile of dead ninjas in his front yard.

When God said, “let there be light”, Chuck Norris said, “say ‘please’.”

One day Chuck Norris walked down the street with a massive erection. There were no survivors.

When Bruce Banner gets mad, he turns into the Hulk. When the Hulk gets mad, he turns into Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the chin. Its decendants are known today as Giraffes.

Everybody loves Raymond. Except Chuck Norris.

Contrary to popular belief, the Titanic didn’t hit an iceberg. The ship was off course and accidentally ran into Chuck Norris while he was doing the backstroke across the Atlantic.

Chuck Norris got his drivers license at the age of 16. Seconds.

The original title for Alien vs. Predator was Alien and Predator vs Chuck Norris. The film was cancelled shortly after going into preproduction. No one would pay nine dollars to see a movie fourteen seconds long.

For most people, home is where the heart is. For Chuck Norris, home is where he stores his collection of human skulls.

Kryptonite has been found to contain trace elements of Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks to the face. This is why it is so deadly to Superman.

Coroners refer to dead people as “ABC’s”. Already Been Chucked.

Give a man a fish, and you will feed him for a day. Give a man anything that is better than a fish, and Chuck Norris will beat his ass and take it.

The original title for Star Wars was “Skywalker: Texas Ranger”. Starring Chuck Norris.

Guantuanamo Bay, Cuba, is the military code-word for “Chuck Norris’ basement”.

Chuck Norris’ roundhouse kick is so powerful, it can be seen from outer space by the naked eye.

Ozzy Osbourne bites the heads off of bats. Chuck Norris bites the heads off of Siberian Tigers.

He who lives by the sword, dies by the sword. He who lives by ChuckNorris, dies by the roundhouse kick.

Chuck Norris once invited all of the other badasses from TV to duke it out in order to see who was the supreme badass. Only two showed up– Jack Bauer and MacGyver.

MacGyver immediately tried to make a bomb out of some Q-Tips and Gatorade, but Chuck Norris roundhouse-kicked him in the solar plexus. MacGyver promptly threw up his own heart.

Jack Bauer tried to use his detailed knowledge of torture techniques, but to no avail: Chuck Norris thrives on pain. ChuckNorris then ripped off Jack Bauer’s arm and beat him to death with it. Game, set, match.

Jesus can walk on water, but Chuck Norris can walk on Jesus.

In the Words of Julius Caesar, “Veni, Vidi, Vici, Chuck Norris”. Translation: I came, I saw, and I was roundhouse-kicked inthe face by Chuck Norris.

The First rule of Chuck Norris is: you do not talk about ChuckNorris.

Chuck Norris qualified with a top speed of 324 mph at the Daytona 500, without a car.

Chuck Norris uses tabasco sauce instead of visine.

Think of a hot woman. Chuck Norris did her.

Chuck Norris sleeps with a pillow under his gun.

Some people ask for a Kleenex when they sneeze, Chuck Norris asks for a body bag.

Every time you masturbate, God kills a kitten. Every time God masturbates, Chuck Norris kills a lion.

Not everyone that Chuck Norris is mad at gets killed. Some get away. They are called astronauts.

Chuck Norris doesn’t daydream. He’s too busy giving other people nightmares.

When Arnold says the line “I’ll be back” in the first Terminator movie it is implied that is he going to ask Chuck Norris for help.

There are no such things as tornados. Chuck Norris just hates trailer parks.

Diamonds are not, despite popular belief, carbon. They are, in fact, Chuck Norris fecal matter. This was proven a recently, when scientific analysis revealed what appeared to be Jean-Claude Van Damme bone fragments inside the Hope Diamond.

In the movie “The Matrix”, Chuck Norris is the Matrix. If you pay close attention in the green “falling code” scenes, you can make out the faint texture of his beard.

There is no such thing as a lesbian, just a woman who has never met Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris crossed the road. No one has ever dared question his motives.

According to the Bible, God created the universe in six days. Before that, Chuck Norris created God by snapping his fingers.

Chuck Norris did not “lose” his virginity, he stalked it and then destroyed it with extreme prejudice.

When Chuck Norris was born, the only person who cried was the doctor. Never slap Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris can sneeze with his eyes open.

Chuck Norris can split the atom. With his bare hands.

The Seven Wonders of the ancient world were: Chuck Norris’ left and right hands, his left and right feet, his belly button, his liver, and his beard.

Chuck Norris invented the question mark.

The helicopter was invented after Chuck Norris was observed doing 8 roundhouse kicks a second.

Chuck Norris makes onions CRY!